The Pause.

1:17:00 PM



Who ever thought that our life would be so different in 2020? I guess no one. But let me tell you how 2020 went by for me. If you want to read my annual summary you can check here.

I started the new year my hosting a sleepover in my house, only with close family. And in the morning, the gas leaked so we have to called to fireman. Was it the sign?

We're also buy cupboard and some stuff for the house and put wifi to make it more enjoyable and liveable. Tho its far from perfect we're starting to enjoy our house. On the first two months, every weekend we spent it there. We're officially moved in when pandemic started because my father's work was a bit risky. I believed its the best way to protect Keenan. 

On March we started living together just the three of us, i gave Bibik a paid leave for safety. And we're truly stayed a home. To see each other everyday in peace was a luxury thing for a long distance marriage couple like us. This is something im so grateful about. Some deep talk between us made me brave enough to have a goal for my self again. I cant tell here but please pray for me okay?

I also started cooking, like everyday even on Ramadhan. My cooking skill improved, indeed. But stayed at home and learned cooking did bad on my weight, i started gain weight again, this time to 65. So i joined the online PT with Grey and started workout using resistance band. Its hard but it shaped my body, i even noticed that my muscle start appearing. The weight was quite the same but the shape was so different.

COVID-19 really got on my nerves. On the first months i had to chat the psychologist in Halodoc several time to made me calmer. I had a trouble sleeping, once i even hard to breath because of psychosomatic. I kept on having a bad thought about family's health. I cried when i didn't see them, wondering will i ever see them again and  even cried after i saw them again, that's how much i missed them i guess.

Keenan's growth was also something that made me nervous. From March to July he had an online class but it didn't go well. He didn't like learning online, he couldn't focus and in the end it gave us a really bad time. So when the academic year ended we decided to take a gap year. Keenan learn only Kumon and paperwork that i gave him. Oh, i taught him how to ride a bike, a bit of badminton and reading in bahasa. But since we started to work from office again, we decided to call Bibik again and hired a private teacher in November so he could learn like how he would at school. Thank God we found a teacher who wanted to come here, wash her self, change her clothes and use both mask and face shield. 

Perhaps because he saw a lot of youtube and listened to his teacher who speak english, Keenan's ability to speak English really improved. He also became a lot smarter, stronger, braver and sweeter. We did visit psychologist two time in the end of the year just to make sure how he's doing after months staying at home, but she said Keenan was okay.  Oh, this year we're finally finished Keenan's vaccine and even took him to see dentist. So perhaps this WFH thing really did good for me as a mother. I have a lot of time to be with my son, to observe him, to give him what im lacking before. 

Financial wise we're not what we wished to be. But i guess it happen to everyone.

On April we finished paying our debt to the bank so we're debt free. Yay ! This also gave us a chance to help family in need. This pandemic really hit some people financial really bad. We're also affected but having no debt really gave us a peace of mind. We have to postpone our Hajj Fund but its okay. We could catch up on the next year. Oh, we're also switched form stock to mutual fund because stock market really went crazy and i couldn't handle it. Beside that..we reached a milestone this year financially, Alhamdulillah. 

We lost our camera last year so we don't have many good quality photo this year. But instead buying a camera, we bought a new phone for me and playstation for husband. Lets put camera next year then..

Personally i grew a lot this year, i learned a lot from many sources, i joined several learning group, i enrolled to EF to improved my english, i took care of my body and skin. This really made me feel good, indeed. I also hold my self to stop posting a lot in social media. And emotionally this year i didn't lose control, i knew when i need to distance my self from people, i knew when i need to let go or forgive. I knew what im and what im not. And stick to that.

Plus point, this year im officially become Kdrama addict. First Hyun Bin, then Park Seo Jun and the last the super Nam Joo Hyuk. Duh !! 


Perhaps this pandemic and staying at home give me time too see what really matter, to see me for who iam, to understand my weakness and strength, to rest and learn for perhaps running again the next year. Regardless everything that i lose, this pause did good to me. I hope it did to you too.


But 2021, can we play again?

Im afraid that the pause started to took longer from what we need. COVID-19 and any dissease please go away!

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